The Sixth Love Language Cannot be Found, Only Created

publishedabout 1 month ago
3 min read

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If you are someone who has been struggling to find the right partner, this article is for you.

Maybe you've tried all the different ways to screen for "The One" but they just don't seem to exist.

Maybe deep down, you feel like you're a bit too weird, that is someone saw the "real" you, they wouldn't fully accept you for who you are.

If all your recent experiences have just convinced you that finding your person is an impossible task, then my goal is for this article to bring you hope.

You're right that "finding" the right relationship is indeed an almost impossible task that is outside of your control but "creating" one is not.

Love isn't meant to be "found," it's meant to be "created."

Think back to the person you were ten years ago. Did you have the same hobbies, interests, or preferences? More importantly, would you have wanted the same partner as you do today?

The answer is likely to be no.

And this is precisely why “finding” someone for life is such a myth. Sure, there are the rare instances of childhood sweethearts who stay in love until death. But for the most part, people change. You will change, and so will your partner.

Often, when we “find” someone to fall in love with, what has really happened is that we’ve found a version of that person that aligns with a version of ourselves at that specific moment in time. But we have no idea how they or us will change over time.

Often, we rely on chemistry and lust to signal to us that this person could be someone deserving of our love.

But chemistry and lust are only ever the promise of love, never the sustainment of love itself — even when both parties deeply believed in it at the time.

And how could it be?

None of it is ever based on any real knowledge of the person or reinforced through actual actions. They were unstable illusions built on dopamine, oxytocin, desires, and promises. Because if we do not know the person, the only thing we could ever fall in love with is the idea of the person.

When one of partner changes in a way that seems insignificant at the time, the fantasy would dissolve, and along with it — the relationship. Sometimes, it takes years for this to happen.

This is why it’s more important to find someone you can co-create a relationship with. Because when one of you changes, your relationship can grow with it.

Do You Just Mean Compromise?

When I shared this idea with a friend of mine, he immediately said, “Oh, my wife and I compromise all the time.”

Compromise isn’t what I meant at all. Compromise is the idea that you have a predefined set of desires or preferences, and so do they. Each person gives up a little, and the sum total is less than what you brought into the relationship.

Co-creating means to amplify.

To create things that didn’t exist before you entered the relationship. To create things that can only exist because you met each other.

The Sixth Love Language — Co-creating Your Own Unique World

Think of some of the best couples you know. It’s likely that you’ll see them quietly giggling about something while doing the dishes or getting excited about the most random or insignificant things (e.g., “That limited edition flavor we had on our first date is back!”). They probably have a restaurant that brings them incredible joy, not because it’s that special but because it’s “theirs.”

The most important point here is that they have somehow managed to create a secret world that only the two of them live in. It’s a shared reality that makes the most mundane of moments delightful.

Why is this sixth love language so special?

Because it constantly reinforces that the other person is special and irreplaceable.

Can you find someone on Tinder who is attractive, has a good job, and shares your interests in 5 minutes? Absolutely. Can you co-create a world where the other person has elaborate inside jokes built around your bizarre quirks? Absolutely not.

The truth is that every couple has a secret world. The main difference is that it is often built on complacency instead of intentional delight.

If you’ve never experienced this type of relationship before, I wrote an in-depth article on how you can get started. Click on one of the buttons below to read it.

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May Pang 💖

Your future friend. I write to help you create deeper connections with yourself and others. Storytelling + Hard Science + Actionable Steps + Humor. Often with a dose of rebellious personal growth. Join 22k+ people on this fun ride. I don't always know where I'll take you, but I promise you it'll always be fun!

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